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Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate
the new bulb.
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: What's a lightbulb?
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two...............is there something wrong with that?????!!!!???
A: One. and there's nothing funny about it!
A: Eleven. One to change the lightbulb and ten to form a support group.
A: Seven. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the offense
committed by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish
they were the socket, one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb.
Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb
for one Jewish mother?
A: None. "Don't worry about your mother. You go have a good time.
I'll just sit here in the dark, again. Alone."
Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
A: What? And wreck my nails?
A: Two. One to get the diet Cokes out of the fridge and the other
to call Daddy.
Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but don't expect results.
Q: How many priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, priests can't screw.
Q: How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine,
chant, and sing.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.
Q: How many fundamentalists does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
A: The bible does *not* say *anything* about lightbulbs!!!!
Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: None. There weren't any lightbulbs in the 13th century.
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really
want to change.
Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
A: How long have you been having this fantasy?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number gc7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages
state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions
are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters
separated by blanks".
Q: How many operating systems are required to screw
in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for
it.
Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Huh?... What? Oh, it's dark in here?
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just redefine "darkness" as the industry standard.
Q: How many software designers does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.
A: Two. One always leaves the company in the middle of a big project.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem,
dude.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A: None. Just assume it's changed.
Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: Fuck you! That's the electrician's job.
Q: How many homeowners does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the
hardware store.
Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin'
in the wind.
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Like... hey, woooow, man, it's *dark*!
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side.
A: Potato.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman
and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 15. One to hold the bulb and the rest to
drink whiskey til the room spins.
Q: How many feminists does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and 15 to form a
support group.
Q: How many Californians does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for
support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four
more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to
the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one
to mix the martinis.
Q: How many data base people does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb
removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program,
and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that
nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not
to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen.
The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to
write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the
other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload
of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist,
one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it
all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when
it is ready.
Q: How many managers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to
get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to
actually change it.
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that
burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other
to say "Fabulous!"
Q: How many professors does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech.
reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to
witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really
WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual
anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer
available from AT&T on payment of license fee.
Q: How many graduate students does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of
five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many "Real Men" does it
take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't
afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Real Women" does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would
have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll
just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit
inside)
Q: How many Polacks does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian
troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light
bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds
of its own revolution.
Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and
1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need
light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to
pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light
bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light
bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave
it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to
rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to
rotate the house.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other
to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw
away a one Watt bulb?
A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a
cripple...
Q: How many cops does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one: One to install the new bulb,
and fifty to figure what to do with the old one for the next
10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a
semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to
talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many federal employees does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the
budget!
Q: How many brewers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call
Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in
mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the
other to assume the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do
the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way
in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to
observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single
incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of
endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many junkies does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
Q: How many consultants does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week
from Monday.
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to
guard him.
Q: How many members of the Impossible
Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion
by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock
out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a
plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney
to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light
fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new
super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has
driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's
real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive
to the airfield, and return to the United States.
Q: How many technical writers does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer
around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's
Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Harvard students does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and
the universe revolves around him.
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