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What is the difference between a rectal theromometer and an oral one?
The taste.
What has four wheels and flies?
A trash truck.
Did you hear about the Polish terrorist?
He burnt his lips on the tail pipe when he tried to blow up a car.
How do you make a Venitian Blind ?
Poke his eyes out.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A licolotopuss.
What is worse than lobsters on the piano?
Crabs on the organ.
Why do elephants have Big Ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Why do Yugo's have heated rear windows?
To keep your hands warm while you push them.
Do you know why our dogs name is Blacksmith?
Because every time you kick his behind, he makes a bolt for the door.
What is Black and White and lives in Hawaii?
A lost Penguin.
Doctor I can't feel my legs.
That's not surprising sir, we've amputated your arms.
What do you call people born in Outter Mongolia?
Babies.
Doctor Finley, you've got an anal thermometer behind your ear.
Oh Janet, then some asshole has got my pencil!
Did you hear about the newly married couple who didn't know the difference between vaseline and putty?
Their windows fell out.
I'm not playing darts with my wife any more.
Why not?
Because her head is getting blunt.
Doctor: You'll be pleased to know the operation you had for deafness was a complete success.
Patient: WHAT?
Who is the painter with a brown forefinger?
Picasso.
Polish restaurant speciality: Soup in a basket.
Daddy, Granny's been run over by a truck.
Don't make me laugh Johnny, you know my lips are chapped.
Man to Hotel receptionist: Excuse me, but there isn't a lock on the toilet door.
Oh, not to worry sir, we've never had a bucket of shit stolen yet.
Why do Scottish Bagpipers walk up and down while they are playing?
Because it makes them harder to hit!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
She resigned because she had no control over her pupils.
This is my pet newt, Tiny.
Why d'you call him Tiny?
Because he's my newt.
What d'you call a cannibal who eats his mother and father?
An orphan.
Or as the cannibal said in court:
"If people was'n made for eating,wassay mada meat for?"
A bunch of reporters had gathered to welcome an African chieftain at the airport. "Good morning sir," one of them said, "have you had a good flight?" The chieftain replied with a series of hoot, whistles and squeaks ending up with "Excellent thank you" in a perfect Oxford English accent. "And how long do you intend to stay over here?" asked the reporter. The same noises ensued and then "approximatley a month I should say." The reporter congratulated him on his English and asked where he had learnt it. The chief produced the same peculiar noises and added: "Short wave radio".
Two nuns entered a Liquor store and astounded the storekeeper by asking for a couple of bottles of Gin explaining that it was for Mother Superior's constipation. A couple of hours later they returned, smashed out of their brains,asking for two more bottles. "I thought you said it was to be for Mother Superiors constipation?" queried the storekeeper. "It is," replied the nuns, "She'll s**t herself when she sees the state of us!"
What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea?
Plenty of room.
Man: The Doctor swore he'd have me walking within six months.
Friend: And did he?
Man: The bastard did - he's sent me three bills so far and I've had to sell my car.
A man went to the Doctor for a check-up.
"Well," said the Doctor, "I've examined you thoroughly and I can't find anything wrong with you. I think it must be too much to drink".
The man said, " All right, Doctor,I'll come back when you are sober."
What do you call a boomerang that does'nt come back?
A stick.
Whats the difference between a big bucket of shit and a lawyer?
The bucket.
The best way to tell the sex of a Hippo is to tell it a dirty joke.
If he laughs, it's a male, if she laughs, it's a female.
The Police are looking for a man with a hearing aid.
Why don't they try glasses?
Prisoner at the bar, you have been found not guilty.
Does that mean I can keep the money?
Two men with stammers were in a bar. The barman came over and said to one, "What can I get for you donkey?" After being served his friend asked, "W-w-w-why did he c-call you d-donkey?". "I-I d-d-don't know," replied the man, "Ee-ore, Ee-ore Ee-always calls me that."
Is a psychopath any good at laying crazy paving?
One day while driving in the country a man happened to notice a chicken following him. He gave the car some more gas but the chicken kept with him. More determined now he accelerated to 60 mph, looking in his rear view mirror he was astounded to see the chicken easily jogging along behind him. Suddenly with a burst of speed the chicken passed his car and headed for a nearby farm. As the chicken passed his car the driver noticed that the chicken had four legs, intrigued he decided to follow it. At the farm he stopped his car and spoke to the farmer who was standing nearby. "Did you see a chicken with four legs go past here?". "Yeah", replied the farmer, "he's one of mine". That's amazing", exclaimed the driver,"where did you get it from?". "Well it's like this, my son is a genetic engineer and he created chickens with four legs so that everyone in an average family could each have a drum stick". "Wow! that's great, do they taste good ?" "I don't know", said the farmer, we have'nt managed to catch one yet".
Why is'nt your nose 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Doctors were waiting in line at the Pearly Gates to get into Heaven. All of a sudden a new Doctor rrives and ushed his way to the front and through the gates. The other Doctors were upset about this, "Who does that guy think he is?" Saint Peter arrived on the scene to calm things "it's okay, calm down, that was God, he just thinks he's a Doctor".
How do chimpanzees make toast?
They put it under the gorilla.
My Dad used to run a paper shop, but it blew away.
1st convict: Before I was jailed I was making big money.
2nd convict: How big?
1st convict: About a tenth of an inch too big.
Two canibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
How come Barbie never gets pregnant?
Because Ken comes in a different box.
How do you double the value of your "Yugo"?
Fill it up with gas.
As a Nun was relaxing in a Bath Tub she heard a knock on the bath room door. "Who is it?" she said."The blind man" came the reply, "Oh thats fine, you can come in". So in he walks. He looks at the Nun and says "Nice tits, where do you want me to hang this blind?".
What do you do if someone has an epileptic fit while they are taking a Bath?
Throw your washing in!
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.
Patient: Doctor doctor people keep ignoring me.
Doctor: Next please.
A lady goes into a wallpaper shop, to buy some some wallpaper. She picks out a roll and takes it to the shop assistant. "Young man is this the kind of wallpaper I can put up myself?". "Certainly madam", he replies "But it will look better on the wall".
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
How do you make a skeleton?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel.
A black man with a Lion on a chain goes into the "Jolly Jackboot" bar and asked, "Do you serve fascists in here?" "Yes", snarled the barman. "Right then, I'll have two for the Lion", the other replied.
How do you get a blonde to burn herself?
Phone her while she's ironing.
How do you get an Australian out of a bath tub?
Throw a bar of soap into it.
A man walks into a Doctors office with a parrot on his head. The Doctor says "What can I do for you?". The parrot answers "Can you get
this man off my feet?"
Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he said yesterday wasn't true about today.
What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
Waiter, do you have frogs legs? Yes I do sir. Well hop in the kitchen and get me a sandwich.
Why do Iraqi Soldiers carry sand paper with them?
They use it as a map.
How you do you make a Polish person laugh on Monday morning?
Tell him a joke on Friday afternoon.
What do you do if a pin is thrown at you?
Look for a Pollack with a grenade in his mouth.
Patient: Doctor people think i'm irritable.
Doctor: Whats the trouble then?
Patient: I've just bloody well told you.
A bachelor is a man who never Mrs anybody.
Someone has discovered what Scotsmen do with their old razor blades.
They shave with them.
What do you give a deaf fisherman?
A herring aid.
Should an engaged couple be frank and earnest or should one of them be a girl?
What's the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
There's one less drunk at the funeral.
Why do the Polish never eat toast?
Because the guy that invented it has forgotten the recipe.
A man walks into a hardware store and asks,"Have you got any nails?" "Sure," replied the assistant,"How long do you want them?" "Why," says the man, "do you want them back?"
A man goes into a drug store and asks the assistant for some anti-perspirant. "Cetainly sir", he replies," will that be ball or aerosol?" The man thinks for a second and then answers, "Actually it's for under my arms".
How do you flatten a ghost?
With a spirit level.
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