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A room temperature IQ.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't that kind that folds.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
...OS/2? Half of an operating system.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store: "-Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said: "-Cut it out."
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says: "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile". I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say: "-E6."
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said: "-Well, what do you need?"
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say: "-Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Save the whales, collect the whole set
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I wont rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates 81
90% of all statistics are made up
A man needs a good memory after he has lied.
A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over.
A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
Apple Copyright 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve
Apple Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
Bad knee, gotta run - Pat Buchanan to his draft board
Beam me aboard, Scotty..... Sure. Will a 2x10 do?
Beulah, peel me a grape.
Bother, said Pooh as the brakes went out!
Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.
C++ should have been called B
COINCIDENCE happens.
Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!
Careful. We don't want to learn from this. -- Calvin
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
This isn't all true.
Are there any questions?
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